Chapter Zero: Why?

Twice in my life, the question "why?" consumed my entire being: once after I had lost everything that I loved, and once after I got everything that I ever desired.

When I was in my twenties — I lost an unborn child and the girl that I loved. I got separated from all my friends and family members. I had to leave my home country. I got addicted to incognito side of the internet. I lost my idealism. I lost my sense of purpose. And all of this happened in the most complicated and tragic way, which I was not ready for at that age.

Later in my thirties, I found love again, (after I had fully let gone and was least expecting it), and I got married to the most incredible person. I became good friends with people from different walks of life. I got a few good jobs, couple of great jobs, and then the perfect job. I became a father to the most precious little baby, and truly got everything that I had ever desired.

Both times, my mind kept circling back to the same question: "Why? Why did this happen to me? Why does anything happen to anyone? What is the point of it all?"

I did not realize I was searching for the meaning of life, or the purpose of existence, but I had a "why?" inside me now, and my need to know the answer kept getting stronger and stronger, and stronger, and stronger.

I did this, I did that, and I did everything to try to get an answer, but nothing would satisfy me.

What began as perhaps natural curiosity, became an unbearable pain.

I was so desperate to find an answer that I was willing to try anything.

Nobody understood what I was trying to do or what I wanted.

I did not know either. So I wrote down the following three sentences hoping to not go crazy:

"Maybe I should see what I am doing as an experiment."

"All good experiments should either have a thesis or some guiding statement."

"Purpose of this experiment is to find our purpose."

And then…..